I have a question: Do you hate yourself? I know, it’s a strange and disturbing question, but I will ask it. Do you hate the choices you made in the past? Are you haunted by things you did, or did not, do? Do you hide in addictions, such as your smartphone, drugs, or alcohol, so you do not have a moment to think about yourself and your past? Do you hate who you are and who you have become?
Many people do. They may not think it, or verbalize it, but they do. You can tell in their actions. They are critical of themselves and others. They have few goals and ambitions. They are barely functional or non-functional adults. They blame others for their problems because they cannot handle internal criticism. Do you know someone like this? Is this you?
People cannot function this way and have a happy, fulfilled life. You cannot run from your past and expect your future to be different. You must think and act differently if you are to move forward with your life and become the person you were meant to be.
Excessive Guilt
If you hate yourself, excessive guilt is to blame. When thinking about the past, your mind automatically focuses on mistakes, bad choices, and failures, then magnifies them. This causes pain, anger, and frustration, which makes you want to run from these thoughts. You will likely run to do something to fill your mind, something to distract you, so you do not have to feel this pain and remember your mistakes. Smartphones, video games, and other electronics are the choice for many of the younger generations; however, drugs and alcohol remain an option for all.
The past cannot be changed, which is why excessive guilt has power. Your mistakes are permanent and never change. Your mind tells you that you cannot overcome them, that they are there forever, and you need to suffer for them. You justify this pain with rationalization; that you are bad, deserve to suffer, and have no business being happy. So, you take no action to be happy. You repeat the same mistakes, feel like a failure, then distract yourself from the pain, over and over, until your identity is that of a failure. You are caught in a never-ending loop, unless you have the courage to break it.
See The Problem
The first step is to admit that you have a problem: how you perceive the past. Yes, the past is permanent and does not change, but your perspective on it does. You can choose to hate yourself for your mistakes, or you can choose to separate the emotion from the cause. Why did you make the mistakes? Why did you do what you did? If a similar problem were to occur now, what would you do differently? These are questions you need to ask about the past, and be honest with them. You must learn from your mistakes, and to do that, you have to view them as problems to overcome.
Emotions trap you with the consequences of your mistakes. You have paid enough; it’s time to confront the emotions and decide to ignore them.
Emotions Damn You
The reason you are trapped in this loop is the avoidance of your emotions or feelings. The emotions tell you that you are a bad person, and you feel this pain. Emotions are powerful, which is why it’s easy to want to turn to something to block them out. Unfortunately, what we run to is often damaging or addictive, causing more guilt for the damage avoidance does to our lives. Emotions keep you trapped, as you do not know how to shut them off.
You have to learn not to feel bad for the things you did long ago. This seems wrong, as guilt is there to remind us of our mistakes. However, while guilt is healthy, excessive guilt is not! I have done things in my past that were bad, which have hurt others. I had excessive guilt for years, telling me I was a bad person. I no longer feel guilty, as there is no need. I am no longer that person, and I would not do the things I felt guilty about. For my past mistakes, guilt serves no purpose, because I have changed!
If you would not repeat the same mistakes, then guilt has no purpose! Let that sink in!
Instead of thinking that the past is permanent, think this: The Past is Dead!
Excuses
It is time to get off your butt and live your life! Excessive guilt is often an excuse to wallow in self-pity. You have a choice: to let excessive guilt win, or to attack your future and move on. No more feeling bad and sitting there in your addiction. You will have to attack excessive guilt when it attacks, as it will often, until you know how to fight. You cannot let excuses drag you down and keep you imprisoned.
How To Forgive Yourself
Forgiveness is powerful, but it is something that must be practiced. You cannot forgive yourself once and be done with it. It is something you do when an excessive guilt thought attacks. When a memory arises and the emotions associated with it resurface, you will need to address the thought, acknowledge that you have learned from it and are not the same person, and then engage in a productive activity to help move it forward. You can fight thoughts all day, but if you don’t have productive actions to back them up, they mean nothing. This is where most therapy fails! You must replace negative, unhealthy actions with positive ones!
In other words, you cannot sit and do nothing to change your situation. You must work to forgive yourself by overcoming excessive guilt, but you must also take action to improve your situation. If your mistakes have robbed you of family and friends, you must apologize and ask forgiveness from them, then work to establish new relationships while avoiding the mistakes that damaged your past relationships. If you feel excessive guilt for not making the most of your life, start thinking about what you can do now and make changes. You cannot sit on your butt all day and do nothing, and expect to change!
Patience
You are not going to be a different person tomorrow, or next week, or likely next month. You have been conditioned to think this way due to time and situation. You will need to be patient and work on making small changes over time, which will ultimately lead to you becoming a different person than you were before. True change will take years.
If you work to combat excessive guilt thoughts, actively forgive yourself when attacked, and make small daily changes to improve your life, you will, in time, move past the prison of excessive guilt. It will be difficult, as you will likely want to revert to past patterns due to a combination of laziness and familiarity. Make daily, weekly, and monthly goals for yourself in what you want to improve in your life, and then, over time, excessive guilt will not have the same hold over you. In time, you will be able to think of the past, admit the mistakes, and not have much emotion at all, because the past is dead, and you have learned from it!
You can reach me at my website or call me directly at 832-559-3520 if you have any questions. Thank You!
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